I wonder some days - days like today, why it is that I am so stubborn?? Why is it that I feel like I need to be motivated, uplifted, and pushed into doing those things that I know that I should be doing on a regular basis? Things like daily prayer, my scripture study that I constantly let slip from the schedule, family home evening, NOT YELLING AT MY KIDS SO MUCH? Shouldn't those things come more naturally now? I have been SO blessed in this calling to see the change that those small and seemingly simple things have done in the lives of some of the sisters. It not only blesses them, but their children and husbands. I find that doing the dishes, vacuuming, running, and doing several other things get done daily (well, maybe not the running, but I am consistent.) But the things that I should be doing without fail - the things that really matter aren't on my priority list. I feel that I need to be doing those things that bring the Spirit into my life on a daily basis in order to fully do my calling. But for some reason I am stubborn and try to do everything myself, instead of including my Savior in my life. I am taking the Atonement for granted....I need to humble myself and change the way I view things. I am not supposed to do everything on my own - stupid stubborn streak! The biggest thing holding me back....is me!!
I had a horrible day with Maddie yesterday - she really can get under my skin and push every button on me. She threw such a fit I totally lost my cool and just screamed at her - and was feeling pretty angry and justified in my yelling....that is until the Lord sent someone to remind me of who I am and how I should be treating His daughter! I ran into one of the stake presidency's wife. Immediately my mood changed and I was embarrassed - not because she had heard me, I didn't yell in public, but because it was a wake up call. I know better than that -
Later that night I had several visits to go on where I really needed the Spirit there with me, and because of how I had acted earlier, it was very difficult to feel the Spirit at all. But He taught me a lesson - there is a sister I visited who didn't grow up in the church, who had several questions about the gospel and how we do things that I had never really thought about. She is consistent with her prayers and scripture study....not because it was a habit formed long ago - but because she has made those things a priority in her life.
Why is it that I resist? Why am I so deaf to the whisperings? Why do I insist on doing everything myself? Why am I so selfish? If only I could rid myself of my weaknesses - I'd be a much better instrument for the Lord. That is just another thing that I must lay at His feet....to work this lump of clay that I am- into a work of art. One that is unashamed, filled with His light, and ready to do anything for Him - and His sons and daughters that I am here to serve.
